What it’s like to lose your biggest hero to the Enemy…
The only person I wanted to marry. My unmasked super hero. My saving grace. My confidant. I couldn’t muster up any words until right now. I’ve been pretty debilitated to be honest. It’s like a blind punch to the gut. A helpless, drowning feeling that sinks in the second I wake up in the morning. I question everything. I replay scenarios for why. It’s been 41 crucial days without you on this Earth. The sadness within your eyes before your last moments here, paralyze me. I’ve been so angry with the enemy at times, but The Lord takes it all out of me when I talk to Him..even knowing the enemy made you feel so unworthy and didn’t want you to have another day alive. The sickness in the pit of my stomach doesn’t let up. As I plead to the Lord, My tears drown me for hours until I go numb and doze off into a nightmare. The days roll into the next as I feel so far away from you as the night fades into this darkness that I sit in, and my mind races. New memories we shared begin to flood. When I close my eyes, your face appears and the burning sound of your voice is so loud. I swallow the lump in my throat as I feel your presence. I look for you in each room corner, every sidewalk, every cloud, every rainbow. I desperately search and feel you all around me. Your whispers cheer me on and let me know you’re here. You show up in ways that are nothing less than an angel. The years that will be lived without you, haunt me. Knowing how much time will pass without the daily phone call check ups, random talks, and most importantly those hugs that helped life slow down for a moment and make sense.
I take back every busy day I was caught up in and missed your phone call. I take back all the reasons I thought you were holding me back but you were really holding me accountable. You stood for justice with everything in your life and built a legacy of so much loyalty. You are my biggest believer. You believed in anyone you came in contact with. You never wanted anyone to go unnoticed; you always rooted for the underdog. You wanted to see so much good in humans..and you truly did. You would call day in and out or stop by; just to make sure I was happy & let me know how I was going to take this big world on. You made it seem so simple to chase your dreams because it was so real and pure. I still feed off it, as do so many others. You were a dreamer, but hungry to fill your soul. You were the absolute hardest working person I’ve ever met. Your determination is instilled in me and your love for life shines thru your kids and grandkids. We all miss you so bad. We are carrying each other, especially mama. She has been so strong for us. We know you’re holding us up.
Carter asks to call you somedays and my stomach turns into knots each time I mutter Jesus walked you home.
These days are dreadfully dragging on. I want to call and tell you that you’ve taught me to take time to slow down. Answer that phone call from an old friend. Listen to my gut and look both ways 4 times at stop signs. You’ve taught me “I CAN”. Your mindset was gold. You’ve taught me to own my super powers. Pursue what sets my soul on fire. You’ve taught me to allow Jesus to be my number one in my world down here. He saves every single one of us and that bond will never break, even if everything around us does. Be open and honest with Him.
You’ve taught me that I will lose people I love. And stop taking these seconds for granted just because you assume there will be so many more. Only The Lord has that up his sleeve.
You taught me to accept everyone. For exactly who they are. No matter what they had or didn’t have. That every single person is a human with a story and is fighting in silence.
You taught me to fight all the right fights. Fight for love. Fight for relationships. Because love lasts forever. It never goes away. It just changes form to eternal love. You’ve taught me to be all the things I cherished about you.
I died on December 18th 2018 with you. A piece of my soul is forever gone and broken. I lost my hero to a silent suicide that eats away at me every second. A death that will never define your beautiful, radiant soul and the 50 years you were here with us. A desperate moment of weakness for the final relief. Depression lingers inside us all. The enemy will always try to work it’s way in to attack & break you. The enemy will slither in at all times especially when you least expect it. PRAY!! Pray every single day to The highest Lord that He will take these horrid nightmares, anger, sadness and build it all up to be the barrier that protects you again and again. Let Christ live inside all things you do.
YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL CHILD OF GOD!!! Ground your anxiety, grief, and brokenness in Him. He takes it all from you. He WANTS to take it all from you.
This grief is so holy tho and a reminder that it’s something I’ll never be ashamed of. There is no “other side” about grief. I feel this pain down to my bones but it strengthens me to my core. It’s not a task or race I’ll finish. There is no pushing through. But more about absorption, adjustment, and acceptance. It’s who I am now. I carry it until I see you again Daddy. I’ll carry that precious heart of yours..always.
To the moon and back
Kayla, your words are piercing.
I had to read this twice.
The way you talk of your father is so beautiful and seriously brings me to tears. I hope your heart hurts a little less each day.
Xoxo
Prayers for you and family